July 16 2015

1. People who view nature as a merely a backdrop. Those mountains in the distance? For them, they’re something to pose in front of, not climbed. Taking a picture in front of something, for this type of outdoors person, is tantamount to experiencing it. If they get away with taking a picture in front of a green screen instead of leaving their house, they probably would. They’re not trying to get close to nature, they’re trying to get close to #nature. Their camera isn’t just a camera- it’s a magical device for associating an individual with the nebulous positive qualities associated with the beautiful places. You can see this variety of person in pretty much every National Park, and they're hardly limited to image of the young person with a selfie stick. Maroon Lake, the rim of the Grand Canyon, and Old Faithful have extremely high concentrations of this type of basic outdoors person, but swanky European ski resorts are where they truly belong. This is the type of basic outdoorsperson most likely to wear an indian headdress to a music festival despite not being native american.

2. The Luxury RVer. This is yet another type of person whose most fervent wish is to be in nature without actually being in it. These people travel from place to place in what are basically condominiums with license plates, because tents are for peasants. For the Luxury RVer, nature is an interesting slide show to be watched from the front window of an eight ton behemoth. You don’t even have to get out to go to the bathroom! To the Luxury RVer, every technological innovation in human history exists solely to protect one from even the possibility of discomfort. My favorite tale about Luxury RVers comes from a climber and rafting guide I met. On a summer night in Yellowstone, there were a group of people in a giant motor home “camped” out under the stars. They were watching a video of a fire on a big screen TV that was mounted to the side of the vehicle. This type of basic outdoorsperson should just admit that they hate camping and stay at a hotel. Often paired with fanny packs, Oakleys, and general human blandness.

3. The Gear Nerd. This person is probably a competent outdoors person, but their real passion is for their equipment. Every conceivable outdoor activity has their fair share of these people. Fishing, running, biking, skiing, and climbing all have large amounts of this personality type. Denver and Boulder, with large amounts of adventurous yuppies and gear companies, is ground zero for Gear Nerds. If somebody ever starts a religion that worships carbon fiber, these people will be the first to join. If you have a bike that costs more than a car and you aren’t a professional biker, you are probably one of these people. The Gear Nerd is actually the best type of basic outdoorsperson, because they put money back into their sport and help drive innovation. However, I’m still convinced that they all secretly aspire to be a mannequin at a North Face store.

4. Person Who Genuinely Loves Groomers. There’s actually nothing wrong with this type of basic outdoorsperson, but it’s pretty hard not to be amused by somebody gushing about how excellent the corduroy is today. They don’t need to improve- they’ve already found their nirvana, and they’re not going to waste the six days a year they spend on the slopes making themselves uncomfortable. To observe this type of basic outdoorsperson, head to Beaver Creek in Colorado or Deer Valley in Idaho. Actually, they can be found at any mountain. In a world of GoPros and showing off, Person Who Genuinely Loves Groomers is actually kind of awesome.

5. Person who hates the outdoors. How anybody could be so wrong, we may never know.